If you are a truly discreet homosexual I am pretty sure that you would agree if I say that being one has its obvious pros and cons.
Being discreet, you are spared from being labeled as "gay" by society and you get to enjoy a quiet, private life safe from all the negative connotations, prejudice, and discrimination associated with such label. However, sometimes being discreet also entails some degree or feelings of loneliness. You feel the need for someone, be it a friend or a lover, who can best understand your feelings, issues, and concerns in life. This is particularly true especially if you have a very limited circle of "similar" friends (if ever you have one) whom you can turn to for comfort and support. Yes, you have your regular "straight" friends but it's a different story, a different set up, a different scenario, and a different degree of emotional bond and "connection." Even if you have managed to gather enough strength to come out to them and even if they totally accept and embrace you for who and what you are, there really are times when you feel alone and empty. In Tagalog, "may kulanng.” There is that that vacuum inside that only a special person alone can fill.
Apparently, this is a universal experience among truly discreet homosexuals and bisexuals who are in the closet. Bouts of loneliness do come every now and then. The emotional need to have someone who understands and to relate with happens every once in a while. We find this need expressing in many forms like joining in internet gay dating sites in hopes of finding the right one, although the task can get especially daunting considering the sheer amount of screening and searching need to find the right person. Sometimes this loneliness gets channeled into casual sex and “one-night stands.” Others resort to keeping themselves busy with many things to divert the emotion. There can be no other worse feelings like loneliness. It’s frustrating, and it sucks! However, life is like a wheel. If today brings you sadness, there's always hope for happy tomorrow.
don't forget the fact that being very discreet may lead you to being cynical. detaching myself from other people, yeah, i do it best. once you've gotten used to it, it's freakin' hard to be reformed. i don't want to trust people; i don't want them knowing me THAT deeply. mm-hmm, it surely sucks!
ReplyDeleteand the online ads, dummy profiles and whatnots.. i tried 'em and i felt so pathetic after my very first post. i had and internal monologue and my two other personalities bashed me big time! lol.
i like your blog (i came across it just now) and i already bookmarked it:) good day!