Start of the Beginning: "I don't know if love could win over lust and urge"

This article is an original Discreet Yuppies™ reader contribution
Author: Erratico


I want to do things that are forbidden. I want try stuffs that might curse me and crucify me as a sinner. I want to break the rules and go beyond the traditions and norms. I want to be bad. I want to be free.

For years, I've been trying to live like a normal guy. But I'm not normal. I'm different. And being different is really hard. I'm bisexual. Someone that is breaking and living his life with two sides. I don't know how it started. I never thought that this would be hard as I grew older. But then, how I wish I could simply ignore that other side of me and be normal and just be a real man.

Before I thought that this was just a stage of identity crisis. But then at age of 25, I guess i can't fool myself with that lame excuse. I already accepted that I'm bisexual...that somehow I am attracted to guys. But what differentiates me from other common bisexuals is that I'm still trying not to do the "act".

Yup, I still don't have sexual encounters with the same sex and either opposite sex. In short, I'm still a certified virgin. I'm an NGSB, which means No Girlfriend Since Birth. Well, it's been a mystery because during my younger days I courted a lot of girls. I just don't know why none of them prospered. Until, I discovered that I'm attracted to guys also. My first serious attraction was with my bestfriend. Suddenly, my like to him became lust. There was a time when because of this dilemma I decided to avoid him. For years, I tried not to see him. But then after so many years, when I thought that all the lust is gone, I tried to reconcile with the friendship but then it still there. Then, I came to the point that I realized that I'm not only attracted to him but to other guys also...that I'm bisexual.

Now I'm bothererd where my life is heading to. I'm in the middle of the crossroad trying to choose what path I should take. I guess I just understand why I still don't have a girlfriend. Coz I'm afraid. I don't know if my masculinity could sustain their expectations. I don't know if love could win over lust and urge. What if fate plays on me and give me a temptation while I'm in a relationship? What if I totally become gay but in the end a girl of my dreams comes along? I'm afraid to choose coz I'm afraid to make mistakes. They said life is a gamble and to lose and win are the consequences. But the only goal is to be happy. And it's up to you to play your cards but in the end future can only tell what will be the outcome.

I want to play life's game. I want to see what 's hiding besides that what ifs. I want to explore more about myself and know the real me. I might be do something that is beyond my normal cliche. I want to find the answer. And maybe, I'll be surprised what I'll find out, that afterall those dilemmas and confusions, I'm not really the person I thought I was.

The Pain of Letting Go

Warning:  This is an extremely emotionally-heavy article, which you may find boring or even pathetic.  Read at your own risk. J

It was an excruciating, agonizing Thursday night. The sudden, painful realization that I have actually fallen for a friend and the fact that there’s no more chance for us to be together came in such a big surprise when he told me that he is already in a relationship.  What made the pain worse was the fact that it is with a guy that I myself had deliberately introduced a few days earlier.  Right there and then, while I was reading his messages, I felt like a pail of ice cold water was poured down on me.  A bitter mix of emotions of remorse, loss, self-blame, and overwhelming sadness.  It felt like something struck my heart so deeply. I felt so weak and couldn’t react but just stared blankly at my computer screen in disbelief at the emotional anguish I suddenly felt. My finger could barely type a word! My mind was stunned by the overwhelming mix of emotions that are suddenly coming to the surface. Having not seen each other for the past two weeks has intensified my longing to finally see him over the weekend.  However, in the height of my nostalgia, I was struck with news that left me hanging in the air emotionally devastated.

We have known each other for just approximately two and a half months, yet the depth of the relationship felt like I’ve known him for years. It felt like he was the person, a special friend, that I have been longing for.  What we have was an intimate friendship. And for the short times we were together we shared happy memories. He is a wonderful person and beautiful inside and out.  I have come to value him so much that the news of him in a relationship broke my heart.

Instead of a happy weekend which I was hoping for, it was a totally sad one. Personally, I have always boasted of my competent coping mechanisms. Having been through tough years of struggles over my sexuality issues alone along with many other personal problems I encountered along the way, I have learned to be self-contained when it comes to coping and troubleshooting. However that weekend, everything didn’t seem to work. I blamed myself, I was angry at myself, I pitied myself. It really felt so pathetic.

I blamed myself for causing myself pain. It was obviously self-inflicted. In the first place, we were just friends. I shouldn’t have fallen for him. Secondly, I was the one who essentially paved the way for his “exit.” I was angry at myself for being so busy with things I do that I hadn’t had the time to scrutinize and assess where my emotion was heading. I was unaware (or maybe I just had it suppressed) of my growing feelings for him. Had I been conscious of it (or had I not suppressed it), I should have taken the necessary steps to ensure things will not go awry. I could have told him early on, work on it, and if things won't be favorable or impossible then I could have tapered down my feelings, perish it altogether over time, and keep the friendship, et cetera et cetera. And for failure to do such things, I pitied myself. I was so slow. I felt I was stupid. I felt loss.

That fateful Thursday evening was one of the worst nights I’ve ever had.  I couldn’t sleep. I can’t have peace of mind. I can’t comfort myself. I can’t help ruminating over so many things. I can’t stop lacrimating, I can’t help my heart! I felt so pathetic. I sent him a couple of quite emotional messages telling how I feel for him and how bad I am feeling at that moment given the turn of events. It wasn’t on asking him back since that would be unethical to do, but I just want to let him know what I feel and what I was going through that night. Somehow it helps to be able to vent out my burgeoning heavy emotions even through text messages. He responded but with few words. I can still remember how bluntly one of his messages struck me as it reads, “lilipas din yan, just like anything else.” I asked to see him over the weekend but he refused over reasons of important family events, telling me to wait till Monday of the succeeding week. There, I began to slowly feel the slightly cold air of change in his attitude. Friday came and I was still morbidly sullen and “grieving”. At noontime, my feelings got worse which convinced me I cannot wait for Monday. I have to see him the soonest possible time. I cannot be in that state of emotion. It was horrible. I need to talk to him. So, I asked to meet him that afternoon. At first he refused for the same reasons but at my pleadings, he finally agreed.  I told him to at least allow me to do it my way. I need to help myself, and a talk with him is the only way i could think of at the moment. I cannot go on like that. I told him that I just need “closure” at least on myself if there's such a thing as that. It sounds ridiculous since in the first place, there never was “US.” But I made myself clear that it was just “closure on myself” of some sort. I asked if I could hug him for the last time, but I was turned down. We talked that afternoon. It went ok but the atmosphere was different.  I could feel a significant change. I knew I am really losing him. I wasn’t even able to persuade him to stay a bit longer after the talk to accompany me on my “5pm brunch” since I hadn’t eaten breakfast and lunch. He assured me that things won’t change, the friendship stays as is, we’re still as good as before, and then bade me farewell. Headed  home, I walked down the sidewalk alone, sad, and still in denial of what’s going on.  I could not believe how fast the turn of events was. It dawned on me that I am really losing him.

That afternoon was the last time I saw him in person. Our online conversations ceased altogether as well. It took me around 3 days to finally gather myself up again and accept the fact that he is already with someone and he is happy with him, and that adjustments had to be made and changes have to be expected. In the weeks that followed, feelings of nostalgia often visit me and I felt the similar sting of pain, though milder. I asked to see him a couple times, but he declined for some reasons. I tried to get things back to normal. I text him every once in a while (although he no longer initiated to send me one) for which I only get short, telegraphic 2-3 word replies. I wasn’t asking him to break ties with his present relationship and turn his affections towards me.  What I only want is for things to be as before. He is a special friend to me, a confidant, an inspiration (i.e. he’s been through a lot in life and his life story inspires me), an adviser, a mentor, etc. But sadly, it appears he doesn’t want that anymore. So finally, after more than a month of seemingly futile attempts at reestablishing the scarred friendship, I have finally decided to stop. He hadn’t even greeted me on my birthday, which ultimately made me think I have to let him go as he has let go of me and  I am no longer sure what’s left of the friendship.

At some point, I realized that perhaps he was really looking for something which he had not found in me.  I began to think that perhaps the reason for the existence of the friendship was merely stemming from whatever form of benefit it has provided. I am just sad that for the first time in my life, I had completely opened myself up and shared myself entirely with someone whom I thought would stay whatever happens.  However, there are really things in life that are certain. Only true friends stay, no matter what. True friends accepts you for who and what you are. And true friends do not allow circumstances to dictate the outcome of the friendship but rather bend circumstances to maintain the friendship.

If it is wrong to fall in love with a friend, then I regret to think that I made that big mistake. If it is a risk to get so close to someone whom you feel emotional connection with, then I think I obviously failed to pre-calculate my actions. If perhaps it is a crime to fall in love with a friend and tell him about it, then I guess I am guilty beyond reasonable doubt. However, if what greatly matters is timing, wherein telling a friend of the love you are feeling (at the height of his newfound relationship) could potentially scar the friendship and extinguish any flickering flame of interest that remains, then what a painful lesson to learn.

Now I can only extrapolate how things might have actually turned out had I dealt with them  the other way around, each after much careful thought. What if I kept my feelings to myself? What if I have not told  him about it? What if I had not introduced him to someone? What if... what if? If only I could turn back time I should have done this and done that. If only I had been more careful I wouldn't  have done this or done that. If only I was more conscious and aware of my emotions, if only I had been more articulate about my feelings,  if only I had been more wise... if only... 

However, life must go on.  As he said, “lilipas din yan, tulad ng lahat ng bagay” (it shall pass, just like everything else), and so now it finally has. I admit that I miss his company, I miss the friendship, I miss him big time!  But sadly, there is always time for everything. There’s a time to build and there’s a time to destroy, a time for pain and a time for joy.  And as there is a time to say hello, there is also a time to say goodbye.

The Superficiality of the M2M World and the Unfortunate Fate of the Aesthetically Challenged

"Look at that beauty and the disaster she's with," was the sarcastic remark of a chef in a restaurant where Rob Schneider and his gorgeous girlfriend had a dinner date in the movie The Animal.  Apparently, the chef cannot accept the disparity that a beautiful lady would date a seemingly unpresentable gentleman, whom he esteems to be much less than himself. Does this fictional set-up also apply to reality?  Definitely yes!  Go strolling in the malls or just observe the people around you and you will see a lot more of "apparent disparities" like this. You see pretty ladies with not-so-good-looking boyfriends, and vice versa. They seem to get along well and they are happy in the relationship.  This gives us an idea that the relationship is built on more than just superficial physical attraction. If this is the case in the heterosexual realm, how similar or how different is it in the m2m world?

Generally speaking, men are basically visual and sexually-motivated for the large part.  They are internally wired and designed to be like that. They are keen on visual stimuli. On the other hand, women are rather more emotional than visual.  They value emotional connection and affection more than physical traits, and they are more keen on tactile (touch) stimuli. In a heterosexual setting, this apparent difference between the male and female sexes works perfectly fine. Men (regardless of their looks) get attracted to beautiful women, court them, and do all they can to win their hearts.  The women, on the other hand, even if the courting guy isn’t that good-looking, develop feelings through time as they feel valued and treated specially. The affection and attention they get from the guys along with the positive character traits the guys possess are enough to attract these women and make them fall for the guys. (This is also the mechanism why many women get fooled by men who are “expert” on this. Agree?). If  heterosexual relationships work upon this principle, how similar or how different is it in the M2M set-up where mostly involved are visually-keen men?

 As said earlier, males are highly visual and sexual.  The principal catalyst of attraction between men are the masculine physical attributes.  When a homosexual/bisexual guy sees another guy, some or all of the following are what go on in his mind:  Is he good looking? Are his eyes beautiful? Is he “macho”? Is he muscular? Is he slim? Is his skin smooth and fair? Is he neat? Does he dress nicely? Are his shoulders broad, is his hip tight? Are his butts beautiful? Is he sexy? So on and so forth. Given the nature of the male sex, this physical attraction can be strong enough that it may effectively or instantly catalyze a turn of events towards the formation of a romantic relationship or mere engagement in sexual encounters or casual sex.

The physical attraction that binds an m2m relationship (be it sexual or non-sexual) tends to be shallow and the relationship is prone to break up once the physical attraction wears out and another attractive guy comes into the scene.  Generally speaking, only seldom do you see an m2m relationship that is genuinely founded on love and not on sexual or physical attraction. And usually, it is this minority of relationship that usually lasts, with the added components of trust, commitment, and fidelity.

These physical criteria that the m2m world uses can be unforgivingly harsh on the aesthetically challenged.  We find these men usually discriminated upon for being physically unattractive.  I can just imagine how bad they must have felt to be rejected at times, if not most of the time. I count myself fortunate enough to be endowed with acceptable physical traits. I can only empathize and sympathize with these unfortunate brothers of ours who may have several times in their lives have suffered emotional pains and low self-esteem.  It is a sad truth and a frank reality that the m2m world operates largely upon superficial physical attraction, leaving the aesthetically challenged ones no choice but to resort to certain means of trade-off, compromise, or compensation just to experience the joys of having a relationship, among other m2m experiences.

It is true that discrimination based on looks can be found in both the heterosexual and homosexual worlds, but it is likewise very true that it is more pronounced on the m2m world. Men will always be men, in as much as women shall always be women. The fact that men operates primarily on visual cues is something that cannot be changed unless there is a change in their male psyche, which would rather make them males no longer.  

Hence, the m2m world is left with the challenge of going beyond the superficiality of physical-sexual attraction and be less discriminative of the aesthetically challenged.

How much willing are you to accept it?

The Ultimate Source of Unhappiness

Many say that the true measure of success is happiness.  Just how happy you are in certain aspects in your life truly speaks of how successful you are in those areas.  There are many apparently successful individuals who tend to have all but are actually unhappy with their life.

What then makes one unhappy? Where does this unhappiness springs from?

In life we set expectations.  We expect to get this, to have that; to achieve this, to accomplish that; to earn this, to get hold of that; to be able to do this, to be able to learn that; and the long list of expectations continues. We set goals and objectives and we expect to achieve and realize them in a set period of time. (Romantic relationships, in particular, can have a lot of expectations.  Each one expects a certain degree of intimacy, attention, and time; a certain amount of material things; a certain level loyalty and honesty; and an indefinite amount of love.)

When things don’t go the way we want and expect it to, and circumstances do not favor our plans, goals and objectives, frustrations and disappointments come in. Life becomes gloomy and anergic.  The zest to continue on disappears. Unhappiness becomes eminent.

Very clearly, we see that failed expectations ultimately give rise to a state of unhappiness.

If right now you find yourself unhappy, one way or another, think back and you will surely find a few or many unmet expectations in your life, be it the past or in the present.  It could be work-related, relationship-related, love life, on family matters, career, studies, or on any other endeavors and aspects in your life, etc. Particularly, relationship-related ones may have affected you significantly. You proceed and ask, what’s went wrong?

Did you fail to voice out your expectations? Did you expect too much, more that what you deserve? Did you esteem yourself too high than what you actually are? Did you fail to set realistic and reasonable goals? Did your efforts accompany your goals and expectations? Did you work hard to attain them? Are you a discontent person? Aren’t you happy with less? Are you too hard on yourself? If majority of your answers to these questions are YES, then it would explain why you are unhappy.

If happiness is a choice, and unhappiness follows unmet expectations, then you can choose to be happy. Don’t expect too much, and you spare yourself from trouble. Lower your expectations and avoid frustrations. Work hard to realize your goals, however be realistic enough that these goals are within your capacity to reach. Be honest enough to set your expectations within reasonable levels. And finally, make known your expectations for people tend to rise up according to your expectations. Learn to be content, but don’t settle for mediocrity.

Life is too short.  If you have been unhappy in the past or at the present, then do something to set things right. Choose to be happy. Set your expectations right.  Happiness is within your reach!  JJJ

Loneliness

If you are a truly discreet homosexual I am pretty sure that you would agree if I say that being one has its obvious pros and cons. 

Being discreet, you are spared from being labeled as "gay" by society and you get to enjoy a quiet, private life safe from all the negative connotations, prejudice, and discrimination associated with such label. However, sometimes being discreet also entails some degree or feelings of loneliness. You feel the need for someone, be it a friend or a lover, who can best understand your feelings, issues, and concerns in life. This is particularly true especially if you have a very limited circle of "similar" friends (if ever you have one) whom you can turn to for comfort and support. Yes, you have your regular "straight" friends but it's a different story, a different set up, a different scenario, and a different degree of emotional bond and "connection." Even if you have managed to gather enough strength to come out to them and even if they totally accept and embrace you for who and what you are, there really are times when you feel alone and empty. In Tagalog, "may kulanng.” There is that that vacuum inside that only a special person alone can fill.

Apparently, this is a universal experience among truly discreet homosexuals and bisexuals who are in the closet. Bouts of loneliness do come every now and then. The emotional need to have someone who understands and to relate with happens every once in a while. We find this need expressing in many forms like joining in internet gay dating sites in hopes of finding the right one, although the task can get especially daunting considering the sheer amount of screening and searching need to find the right person.  Sometimes this loneliness gets channeled into casual sex and “one-night stands.” Others resort to keeping themselves busy with many things to divert the emotion. There can be no other worse feelings like loneliness. It’s frustrating, and it sucks! However, life is like a wheel. If today brings you sadness, there's always hope for happy tomorrow.

If you are feeling lonely right now, don’t despair. You are not alone. Cheer up! Sooner or later someone will come to drive that loneliness away. There’s always one for everybody. Just hang in there, he’s on his way! J

Christian Philippines, Summary of Conclusions, and Resolutions: The Truth Behind an Alleged Philippine Epidemic of Bisexuals (Part 4)

(Disclaimer: My dear readers, I don't intend this article to be offending or misleading in anyway. I am simply thinking out loud. I apologize in advance if there are concepts, statements, and theoretical deductions that you may find inaccurate, biased, opinionated, or unacceptable. However, if your feelings and thoughts agree with what's written, cheers!!! The names and situations used in this article are not intended to identify a particular persona. They are mainly for illustrative writing purposes. JJJ)

Philippines is a moderately conservative country where most of the people are Christians, majority of whom are Catholics. This makes the Philippine society quite an unforgiving environment for homosexuals particularly for the Christian ones. However, although bisexuality and homosexuality are both viewed as sexual deviance, both enjoy different levels of societal acceptance and approval. Considering its heterosexual component, bisexuality is perceived by many as sort of a better state than homosexuality. Over time, for some reasons the homosexual society apparently bifurcated homosexuality into “bi” homosexual and “gay” homosexual forms. The former comprise the masculine, straight-acting (discreet or di halata), "more favored" ones while the latter comprise the "obvious" (halata), effeminate ones and is associated with negative connotations and lesser societal sanction.

Thinking back of the question thrown to me at the start, I have now come to a conclusion. Many homosexuals in the Philippines hide under the guise of bisexuality for reasons of personal preference and fear of the social stigma associated with the "gay" label, to gain approval and avoid rejection, when they are in the state of anger and denial, and during their transition towards self-acceptance. As as result, this label preference and substitution phenomenon ultimately leads to a sizable relative increase in the number of bisexuals in the country today.

Over the years, Philippines has become liberal in its stand on homosexuality and bisexuality. However, still a lot of Filipino male homosexuals today are still feeling the wind of discrimination.   The observed euphemistic label preference and substitution phenomenon* is but a proof that these individuals are just finding means to navigate peacefully through life while they seek for meaning and purpose in life. This they do as they come to terms with their sexuality, in their journey towards self-acceptance, and as they continue their quest for true happiness in life.

*NOTE: "Euphemistic label preference and substitution phenomenon" is only a self-coined term. Take caution in quoting, as such may not be understood by others or may even be an inaccurate term.

A Transition: The Truth Behind an Alleged Philippine Epidemic of Bisexuals (Part 3)

Disclaimer: My dear readers, I don't intend this article to be offending or misleading in anyway. I am simply thinking out loud. I apologize in advance if there are concepts, statements, and theoretical deductions that you may find inaccurate, biased, opinionated, or unacceptable. However, if your feelings and thoughts agree with what's written, cheers!!! The names and situations used in this article are not intended to identify a particular persona. They are mainly for illustrative writing purposes. JJJ

The label substitution phenomenon gives a homosexual some sort of emotional (cushioning) comfort   while he goes through the long process of coming to terms with his sexuality over time. Let us peek through John's experience.

Before finally coming to self-acceptance, John goes through periods of emotional turbulence, which may last for a short time, years or maybe throughout his lifetime, depending on his coping and adaptation mechanisms. Up to some point in his life, he is in denial of his homosexuality.  He feels a great deal of anger and varying degrees of depression as he finds his feelings contradicting his ideals and society’s norm. He perceives his feelings as abnormal and unacceptable. Up to some point in his life, there is that constant yearning and struggle to change and live a more or less heterosexual life. He tries as hard as he can to live the kind of life approved by society. However as he sees his efforts are but futile, he enters into despair and depression. But John is a strong individual. He gets up and continues on with life. Though near hopeless, he still looks forward for ways to deal with his issues.

John perceives that the seemingly "hostile" society regards bisexuality as still having a considerable degree of heterosexuality, “normality” and acceptability. He also feels that the "Filipino homosexual world" treats the professed bisexuals (i.e. bisexual, as claimed) a bit more favorably over the professed "gay" ones.  So in his state of denial, anger, and depression John is pushed to find comfort, security, and acceptance by claiming to be a bisexual. And somehow over time, as he journeys and learns through life and all its experiences, he learns to finally accept himself and come to terms with his sexuality.

John's life shows a transition that happens to many homosexuals like he is, although his story may not apply to all.

Negative Connations and Misconceptions: The Truth Behind an Alleged Philippine Epidemic of Bisexuals (Part 2)

Disclaimer: My dear readers, I don't intend this article to be offending or misleading in anyway. I am simply thinking out loud. I apologize in advance if there are concepts, statements, and theoretical deductions that you may find inaccurate, biased, opinionated, or unacceptable. However, if your feelings and thoughts agree with what's written, cheers!!! The names and situations used in this article are not intended to identify a particular persona. They are mainly for illustrative writing purposes. JJJ

In every society, there are labels. Generally, every person is labeled according to the standards and norm of that society. Filipinos, in particular, are fond of labels. One bad thing with labels is that a person tends to be judged and defined according the label given him. And unfortunately, associated with some labels are negative connotations, prejudices, and biases.  One of the negatively connoted, misconceived labels is the “gay” label.

I have observed that in the Philippines, being labeled as "gay" (bakla, bading) is negatively connoted as being a loud, forward, and sometimes inappropriately frank, effeminate individual. The individual is often mocked with derogatory statements about sexual acts strongly associated with homosexuality like fellatio, anal, and oral sex.  Being labeled  as "gay" is sometimes equated with being a transvestite or the male practice of wearing female clothing. So how do these impact on the life of a Filipino male homosexual?

Let's take a look at Marc's example. Marc is a young Filipino professional and apparently a discreet/closeted masculine homosexual (i.e. straight -acting but not necessarily muscled). Being such, he prefers a more or less heterosexual (societally normal) image. He knows that being a male homosexual is essential being "gay." However, the attached negative connotations makes the "gay" label unacceptable or, shall we say, “unpalatable” to him. Masculine as he is, being called gay is a big blow to his ego. It is something that consciously and subconsciously he cannot accept. As an effect of this  label misconceptions and connotations, Marc tries to evade the label and resort to a more pleasant alternative one by rather calling himself a bisexual.

Can you relate with his story? Can his experience be applied to the majority?

Label Substitution Phenomenon: The Truth Behind an Alleged Philippine Epidemic of Bisexuals (Part1)

Disclaimer: My dear readers, I don't intend this article to be offending or misleading in anyway. I am simply thinking out loud. I apologize in advance if there are concepts, statements, and theoretical deductions that you may find inaccurate, biased, opinionated, or unacceptable. However, if your feelings and thoughts agree with what's written, cheers!!! The names and situations used in this article are not intended to identify a particular persona. They are mainly for illustrative writing purposes. JJJ

One foreigner I was able to converse with asked me why everyone in the Philippines is bisexual. I found it funny at first. It was an exaggerated and an unfounded statement since he only based his generalization from people he met in chat rooms. However, when I gave it a careful thought, I thought that perhaps there might be some truth to it. So with my little brain, I tried to investigate, observe, and make crude assessments.

True enough in our country, I observed that many discreet homosexuals would rather have themselves called bisexuals than "gay". In chat rooms, in gay-oriented social networking sites, and dating sites (a place visited by discreet homosexuals, like me), you will discover that many, if not majority, of Filipino male homosexuals align themselves under the “bisexual” rather than the “gay” category.

Although a bisexual can be thought of as a heterosexual and a homosexual combined, by definition and simple logic bisexuality and homosexuality are obviously not the same. The overlap between the two cannot not be a cause of confusion so as to equate one with the other. So what could have probably brought about this "label substitution phenomenon"? It cannot be attributed to ignorance or convention. Filipinos are smart, intelligent people. There must be something else.

The INTERNET: a virtual home to the “homeless”

When we think of home, we think of a place where there are people living together and where love and gentle affections abound. Although these people think and behave differently, possess different attitudes and personalities, and varies in preferences, likes and dislikes, yet they are a family.  They share common goals and ideals, support each other, understand each other, and accept each other’s uniqueness despite their differences.  In the context of an ideal home, family members find unconditional acceptance. It is a haven of joy, a nurturing environment, a place where needs are met, and a fortress that cushions the blows of life’s problems and adversities, shielding the family member from the pains of daily living and life in general.

To a highly discreet DY, where is home?

Life can really be difficult to a discreet (or truly closeted) homosexual/bisexual. He often finds himself alone especially when problems and issues related to his sexuality arise. He seeks the company of someone who understands. He longs for assuring words that would comfort him in his times of uncertainties.  He gropes for another human being to at least listen to his cares and worries, understand his fears and aspirations, and affirm his personal convictions. He longs for emotional connection and support, release of long pent up emotions, and enlightenment for the enigma of his emotional turmoil and stormy life experiences.  Yet, the pressure of society, its expectations, its standards and norms, all work in concert to add to his burden and further pushes him into a state of emotional solitude. Given the definitions of a home, he finds himself homeless!

Sad and alone, he looks for ways to meet this dire need of belongingness and acceptance, which society has unduly kept from him. For fear of rejection, contempt, judgment, and humiliation, he resolves to stay incognito as much as he can but it only proves to worsen his loneliness and pulls him down into depression. So he gets up and looks around for a remedy and finds the solution to his problem.

He enters the world of the world-wide-web and discovers himself in a virtual place where he can get in touch with his true self without fear of rejection yet still be anonymous. Honest, worthwhile conversations which he cannot have in the real world, he finds online. He finds answers to his questions. He enters the realm of social sites and finds himself not alone. There are people out there who, just like him, are seeking for belongingness, acceptance, self-expression, love, emotional support, enlightenment, and words of comfort, and are longing for hearts that understand.  He finds freedom to be himself.  He finds friendship, establishes relationships, and forms lasting bonds with people he gets in contact with. He is starting to live his life.

As he looks back, he cannot help but paint a smile on his face with a grateful heart amazed at how this virtual world has somehow positively influenced his life.  He acknowledges that it has its boons and banes but believes that if used judiciously, this virtual world has the power to transform lives for the better.  His heart is but filled with joy that finally, he has found a place that feels like home.