A Thin Line

            One thing that seems peculiar among homosexual and bisexual men is the thin boundary that separates pure platonic friendship and romantic-sexual relationship.  In many discreet homosexuals, it is not uncommon to have “friends with benefit” and “fuck buddies” as they are called. They claim that sex between friends does not necessarily involve emotion. It is but having a “release” of pent up sexual urges with someone familiar rather than hooking up with a stranger on a “one night stand” basis. This set up further gives the benefit of security, safety, and confidentiality, etc. without having to worry about sexually transmitted diseases, risk of pregnancy, and compatibility, among other issues associated with random sex. It can be expected that sex with a random stranger for the sake of having sex is nothing but a pure physical interaction meant to satisfy the cravings for sexual pleasure.  However, I personally doubt if periodic sex with a “friend” does not really involve emotions.  

Among many, what happens is either romance occurs first followed by a bloom of friendship or vice versa.  On one hand, through the initial sexual attraction and sexual encounter a friendship can be born.  On the other hand, an existing friendship may pave the way to the benefits of mutually enjoying sexual pleasures.

            So why does romantic friendship exist? Most probably, this occurs due to the fact that since bisexual and homosexual men are sexually attracted to their fellow men, a male friend can be at times become a potential object of sexual desire, given the right and favorable circumstance. And since men are generally primarily sexually-motivated, sexual interactions can occur easily. However, to be fair enough, whether this desire consummates to the sexual act is still subject to one’s self-control, discipline, and personal values.

Differing opinions exist regarding this matter.  Some say it is okay as long as you don’t get hurt or hurt anyone in the process as sex is a basic human need and needs to be enjoyed, while others say it is but a sign of moral looseness and sexual depravity. Others also maintain that having a regular “FUBU” friend is a better alternative to being promiscuous.  Whichever the case maybe, clearly, there is but a thin line that separates pure friendship and romantic friendship, particularly among male homosexuals and bisexuals. Is this good or bad? Is sex between friends okay? You be the judge. It’s totally up to you to decide, depending on your perspectives, beliefs, and philosophies in life.

Just a thought about love and pain

I have come to a conclusion that one of the most compelling emotions humans, particularly discreet gay men, harbor is the longing for someone to love and be loved in return. This can motivate and push them to do just about anything to have this emotional need fulfilled even to the point of getting hurt. Why?

Nothing compares to the blissful feeling of being so much in love despite how equally severe the pain that may come with it. However, how worse the pain might be, love is patient, love is kind, love forgives and forgets, and love accepts... unconditionally. Occurrences of painful experiences, fights, and misunderstandings can be expected every now and then. But what is important at the end of the day, you find each other wrapped in each other's arms, to mend and heal, to build and grow, and give each other reassurance, comfort, and security that banish all the pain away. Then wake up each morning with renewed spirit and vigor to face life together no matter what.

Being in love is wonderful.  After all, to love and to be loved is still the greatest human experience! :)

Finding a beautiful gem that you come to treasure but only to lose it afterwards feels much worse than before you found it.

They say:

          It is better to try and fail at something than not having tried at all.

               It is better to gamble and lose than to just sit, dream, and do nothing.

                     It is better to hope and be disappointed than to dwell on skepticisms, negativism, and inactivity.
                        
                          It is better to get your heart stabbed early on and heal than getting it broken into pieces later beyond mending.
                            
                                It is better to love and get hurt than not loving at all.

I say: 

 
          Finding a beautiful gem that you come to treasure but only  lose it afterwards feels much worse than before you found it.

However these random thoughts and statements might seem, they may be correct or not, related or not, they may make sense or not, you can not really deny the fact that when you lose someone, IT HURTS!  It never fails to.

I hope I am making sense. Am I? or is it only because I have just lost a gem?

Improve Your Relationships

Original article found at: Associated Content

The best way to successful relationships is to understand yourself. If you enter into relationships expecting others to define you, your relationships are doomed before they start. However, how you define yourself is not necessarily how others see you. If you believe you are strong, but others perceive you as weak, look at how you are presenting yourself to the world. The more you get into the real you, that is truly understand your own attitudes and behaviors, the better your chances will be for real success. The goal is to have a realistic assessment of yourself because only then will you know what characteristics you are looking for in others.

Do not pigeonhole yourself into relationships; have a sense of independence. Continue to seek out new experiences and friendships for opportunities to learn something new that will enhance the relationships; do not cling or feel threatened. Being together does not mean you are joined at the hip. If you are not allowed to have friends or seek new adventures, it may be a clue to sever ties. Life is about growing.

Do not be afraid to listen to the views of others even if they are in opposition to your own thinking. It is through intellectual diversity that you learn and grow in your relationships. If you only make friends with those who think like you, sooner of later you will bore each other to death. Other points of view may assist in changing any unreal perceptions you have of yourself, and aid you in becoming the real you, engendering more fruitful and enduring relationships.

Do not be afraid to adopt some of the attitudes and behaviors of others who you respect and admire. Determine what motivates their thinking, ascertain how they respond to different situations in their lives, and focus on their interpersonal skills. If you would like to know how you're progressing, seek out a third person whom you trust and test your new skills on him or her. Learn to appreciate constructive criticism.

Do not criticize without offering alternative suggestions or proposals. Rather than say "You ought to," you might say, "Have you considered." Anytime you believe you need to criticize, stop and think about what you are about to say. How would you respond if you were the receiver? There is a ton of truth in the old adage "treat others as you want to be treated."

Do not interrupt others during conversations and listen with all your senses. Do not pretend to listen while you are formulating a response. Your body language will give you away each time. Determine whether you're being asked for input or merely to listen. There is nothing more irritating than receiving unsolicited advice.

Do not try to change others to how you believe they should be; be yourself and allow them to be themselves. If you don't like how they act, there's another old adage that reeks with truth "there's a lid for every pot." Appreciate and accept or decline and reject: Honesty is always THE key component in successful relationships. Do not sacrifice your true self or force others to sacrifice themselves to hold on to relationships.

Do not expect others to make or keep you happy as the source of true happiness comes from within. Always look for things that will bring you joy. Smile often and at times laugh out loud, for no reason other than being alive, until each becomes a habit. You will find that happiness will find you, no matter where you are, if you are always prepared for its arrival.

Do express your love and appreciation at every opportunity. There can never be too much love. Leave love notes in books or around the house for your lover or send cards to friends for no reason other than you're happy they are in your life. Always remember, if you want a successful relationship, be a friend a truly great friend.

Three Things That Only Feel Like Love But Are Far From It

Author: Francis K. Githinji (an online dating expert)

Shared by a reader of Discreet Yuppies™

Love is a tricky emotion. There are some things that feel like love but they are much too superficial to be the real thing. Real love takes time and doesn’t happen over night. Here are three things that people often confuse for love.

Lust

Lust is the feeling that is often mistaken for love at first sight. Lust is an intense and sudden attraction to somebody you hardly know. It is mistaken for love because the attraction is so strong.


Lust can feel like love because the feelings of attraction are strong and all-consuming. The emotions stirred up by lust can feel very real but they are based on a fantasy. To love somebody you must know them well but many people fall in lust while they are still strangers. What people in lust fall for is a fantasy of what might be and reality can get lost in the excitement.

Overwhelmed by physical attraction people in lust can’t keep their hands off of each other. They think about each other constantly and talk about one another all the time. Lust is a happy feeling brought on by passionate attraction. If you are inexperienced in matters of the heart it is very easy to mistake all that passion for love.

Lust differs from love like night differs from day. Lust happens in the early phase of a relationship when people don’t yet know each other. Lust is based on a fantasy, and the fantasy and reality don’t always mesh up. This is where lust runs out of steam.

Although physical attraction is definitely a key ingredient in any romantic relationship, love is more than just a physical longing. If a relationship is all about physical attraction it is based on lust. Really loving another person takes time and it can’t be based on physical attraction alone.

Obsession

Obsessions are often mistaken for love because people rationalize the crazy feelings they are having. They assume that it must be love if the other person is always on their mind. Obsession is similar to lust but it is much more misleading and destructive. While lust is often fleeting, fading as two people come to know each other better, obsession sticks around.


The more time and effort invested in an unhealthy obsession the more intense the obsession can become. People in an obsessed state have a one track mind where the other person is concerned and they often lose touch with who they are as an individual. This loss of individuality creates a vicious circle of behavior where the obsessed person grows more and more dependant on the other person to bolster their sense of self.

Even unrequited love, love that is not returned, can become an overwhelming obsession. When one person believes they are in a relationship that doesn’t really exist, or when one person is more invested in an existing relationship than the other, the foundation for an obsession has been laid.

Real love is nurturing and helps people grow but obsession is debilitating. If you feel like you have lost yourself, if you are always striving to please your partner without them doing the same for you, and if you find yourself making all decisions in your life based on the feelings and needs of the other person you could be dealing with obsession.

Rebounding

A rebound is a relationship that starts up very quickly after another relationship has ended. Rebounds are rarely based on love but are really a way of alleviating the loneliness people feel when a relationship ends.
Rebounding can feel like love for the simple reason that the people involved want to be in love. They are used to the security of being in love and more than anything else they want to feel that security again. They convince themselves that they are in love when they are actually missing the safety and comfort of the relationship they left behind.

If an old relationship keeps interfering with the progress of a new relationship it could mean that the relationship is a rebound. When somebody is on the rebound they are not entirely over their previous relationship. They may still be trying to work out unresolved issues from that relationship. Rebound relationships may feel like love but they are still impacted by unsettled feelings from the past.

The Pain of Letting Go

Warning:  This is an extremely emotionally-heavy article, which you may find boring or even pathetic.  Read at your own risk. J

It was an excruciating, agonizing Thursday night. The sudden, painful realization that I have actually fallen for a friend and the fact that there’s no more chance for us to be together came in such a big surprise when he told me that he is already in a relationship.  What made the pain worse was the fact that it is with a guy that I myself had deliberately introduced a few days earlier.  Right there and then, while I was reading his messages, I felt like a pail of ice cold water was poured down on me.  A bitter mix of emotions of remorse, loss, self-blame, and overwhelming sadness.  It felt like something struck my heart so deeply. I felt so weak and couldn’t react but just stared blankly at my computer screen in disbelief at the emotional anguish I suddenly felt. My finger could barely type a word! My mind was stunned by the overwhelming mix of emotions that are suddenly coming to the surface. Having not seen each other for the past two weeks has intensified my longing to finally see him over the weekend.  However, in the height of my nostalgia, I was struck with news that left me hanging in the air emotionally devastated.

We have known each other for just approximately two and a half months, yet the depth of the relationship felt like I’ve known him for years. It felt like he was the person, a special friend, that I have been longing for.  What we have was an intimate friendship. And for the short times we were together we shared happy memories. He is a wonderful person and beautiful inside and out.  I have come to value him so much that the news of him in a relationship broke my heart.

Instead of a happy weekend which I was hoping for, it was a totally sad one. Personally, I have always boasted of my competent coping mechanisms. Having been through tough years of struggles over my sexuality issues alone along with many other personal problems I encountered along the way, I have learned to be self-contained when it comes to coping and troubleshooting. However that weekend, everything didn’t seem to work. I blamed myself, I was angry at myself, I pitied myself. It really felt so pathetic.

I blamed myself for causing myself pain. It was obviously self-inflicted. In the first place, we were just friends. I shouldn’t have fallen for him. Secondly, I was the one who essentially paved the way for his “exit.” I was angry at myself for being so busy with things I do that I hadn’t had the time to scrutinize and assess where my emotion was heading. I was unaware (or maybe I just had it suppressed) of my growing feelings for him. Had I been conscious of it (or had I not suppressed it), I should have taken the necessary steps to ensure things will not go awry. I could have told him early on, work on it, and if things won't be favorable or impossible then I could have tapered down my feelings, perish it altogether over time, and keep the friendship, et cetera et cetera. And for failure to do such things, I pitied myself. I was so slow. I felt I was stupid. I felt loss.

That fateful Thursday evening was one of the worst nights I’ve ever had.  I couldn’t sleep. I can’t have peace of mind. I can’t comfort myself. I can’t help ruminating over so many things. I can’t stop lacrimating, I can’t help my heart! I felt so pathetic. I sent him a couple of quite emotional messages telling how I feel for him and how bad I am feeling at that moment given the turn of events. It wasn’t on asking him back since that would be unethical to do, but I just want to let him know what I feel and what I was going through that night. Somehow it helps to be able to vent out my burgeoning heavy emotions even through text messages. He responded but with few words. I can still remember how bluntly one of his messages struck me as it reads, “lilipas din yan, just like anything else.” I asked to see him over the weekend but he refused over reasons of important family events, telling me to wait till Monday of the succeeding week. There, I began to slowly feel the slightly cold air of change in his attitude. Friday came and I was still morbidly sullen and “grieving”. At noontime, my feelings got worse which convinced me I cannot wait for Monday. I have to see him the soonest possible time. I cannot be in that state of emotion. It was horrible. I need to talk to him. So, I asked to meet him that afternoon. At first he refused for the same reasons but at my pleadings, he finally agreed.  I told him to at least allow me to do it my way. I need to help myself, and a talk with him is the only way i could think of at the moment. I cannot go on like that. I told him that I just need “closure” at least on myself if there's such a thing as that. It sounds ridiculous since in the first place, there never was “US.” But I made myself clear that it was just “closure on myself” of some sort. I asked if I could hug him for the last time, but I was turned down. We talked that afternoon. It went ok but the atmosphere was different.  I could feel a significant change. I knew I am really losing him. I wasn’t even able to persuade him to stay a bit longer after the talk to accompany me on my “5pm brunch” since I hadn’t eaten breakfast and lunch. He assured me that things won’t change, the friendship stays as is, we’re still as good as before, and then bade me farewell. Headed  home, I walked down the sidewalk alone, sad, and still in denial of what’s going on.  I could not believe how fast the turn of events was. It dawned on me that I am really losing him.

That afternoon was the last time I saw him in person. Our online conversations ceased altogether as well. It took me around 3 days to finally gather myself up again and accept the fact that he is already with someone and he is happy with him, and that adjustments had to be made and changes have to be expected. In the weeks that followed, feelings of nostalgia often visit me and I felt the similar sting of pain, though milder. I asked to see him a couple times, but he declined for some reasons. I tried to get things back to normal. I text him every once in a while (although he no longer initiated to send me one) for which I only get short, telegraphic 2-3 word replies. I wasn’t asking him to break ties with his present relationship and turn his affections towards me.  What I only want is for things to be as before. He is a special friend to me, a confidant, an inspiration (i.e. he’s been through a lot in life and his life story inspires me), an adviser, a mentor, etc. But sadly, it appears he doesn’t want that anymore. So finally, after more than a month of seemingly futile attempts at reestablishing the scarred friendship, I have finally decided to stop. He hadn’t even greeted me on my birthday, which ultimately made me think I have to let him go as he has let go of me and  I am no longer sure what’s left of the friendship.

At some point, I realized that perhaps he was really looking for something which he had not found in me.  I began to think that perhaps the reason for the existence of the friendship was merely stemming from whatever form of benefit it has provided. I am just sad that for the first time in my life, I had completely opened myself up and shared myself entirely with someone whom I thought would stay whatever happens.  However, there are really things in life that are certain. Only true friends stay, no matter what. True friends accepts you for who and what you are. And true friends do not allow circumstances to dictate the outcome of the friendship but rather bend circumstances to maintain the friendship.

If it is wrong to fall in love with a friend, then I regret to think that I made that big mistake. If it is a risk to get so close to someone whom you feel emotional connection with, then I think I obviously failed to pre-calculate my actions. If perhaps it is a crime to fall in love with a friend and tell him about it, then I guess I am guilty beyond reasonable doubt. However, if what greatly matters is timing, wherein telling a friend of the love you are feeling (at the height of his newfound relationship) could potentially scar the friendship and extinguish any flickering flame of interest that remains, then what a painful lesson to learn.

Now I can only extrapolate how things might have actually turned out had I dealt with them  the other way around, each after much careful thought. What if I kept my feelings to myself? What if I have not told  him about it? What if I had not introduced him to someone? What if... what if? If only I could turn back time I should have done this and done that. If only I had been more careful I wouldn't  have done this or done that. If only I was more conscious and aware of my emotions, if only I had been more articulate about my feelings,  if only I had been more wise... if only... 

However, life must go on.  As he said, “lilipas din yan, tulad ng lahat ng bagay” (it shall pass, just like everything else), and so now it finally has. I admit that I miss his company, I miss the friendship, I miss him big time!  But sadly, there is always time for everything. There’s a time to build and there’s a time to destroy, a time for pain and a time for joy.  And as there is a time to say hello, there is also a time to say goodbye.

The Superficiality of the M2M World and the Unfortunate Fate of the Aesthetically Challenged

"Look at that beauty and the disaster she's with," was the sarcastic remark of a chef in a restaurant where Rob Schneider and his gorgeous girlfriend had a dinner date in the movie The Animal.  Apparently, the chef cannot accept the disparity that a beautiful lady would date a seemingly unpresentable gentleman, whom he esteems to be much less than himself. Does this fictional set-up also apply to reality?  Definitely yes!  Go strolling in the malls or just observe the people around you and you will see a lot more of "apparent disparities" like this. You see pretty ladies with not-so-good-looking boyfriends, and vice versa. They seem to get along well and they are happy in the relationship.  This gives us an idea that the relationship is built on more than just superficial physical attraction. If this is the case in the heterosexual realm, how similar or how different is it in the m2m world?

Generally speaking, men are basically visual and sexually-motivated for the large part.  They are internally wired and designed to be like that. They are keen on visual stimuli. On the other hand, women are rather more emotional than visual.  They value emotional connection and affection more than physical traits, and they are more keen on tactile (touch) stimuli. In a heterosexual setting, this apparent difference between the male and female sexes works perfectly fine. Men (regardless of their looks) get attracted to beautiful women, court them, and do all they can to win their hearts.  The women, on the other hand, even if the courting guy isn’t that good-looking, develop feelings through time as they feel valued and treated specially. The affection and attention they get from the guys along with the positive character traits the guys possess are enough to attract these women and make them fall for the guys. (This is also the mechanism why many women get fooled by men who are “expert” on this. Agree?). If  heterosexual relationships work upon this principle, how similar or how different is it in the M2M set-up where mostly involved are visually-keen men?

 As said earlier, males are highly visual and sexual.  The principal catalyst of attraction between men are the masculine physical attributes.  When a homosexual/bisexual guy sees another guy, some or all of the following are what go on in his mind:  Is he good looking? Are his eyes beautiful? Is he “macho”? Is he muscular? Is he slim? Is his skin smooth and fair? Is he neat? Does he dress nicely? Are his shoulders broad, is his hip tight? Are his butts beautiful? Is he sexy? So on and so forth. Given the nature of the male sex, this physical attraction can be strong enough that it may effectively or instantly catalyze a turn of events towards the formation of a romantic relationship or mere engagement in sexual encounters or casual sex.

The physical attraction that binds an m2m relationship (be it sexual or non-sexual) tends to be shallow and the relationship is prone to break up once the physical attraction wears out and another attractive guy comes into the scene.  Generally speaking, only seldom do you see an m2m relationship that is genuinely founded on love and not on sexual or physical attraction. And usually, it is this minority of relationship that usually lasts, with the added components of trust, commitment, and fidelity.

These physical criteria that the m2m world uses can be unforgivingly harsh on the aesthetically challenged.  We find these men usually discriminated upon for being physically unattractive.  I can just imagine how bad they must have felt to be rejected at times, if not most of the time. I count myself fortunate enough to be endowed with acceptable physical traits. I can only empathize and sympathize with these unfortunate brothers of ours who may have several times in their lives have suffered emotional pains and low self-esteem.  It is a sad truth and a frank reality that the m2m world operates largely upon superficial physical attraction, leaving the aesthetically challenged ones no choice but to resort to certain means of trade-off, compromise, or compensation just to experience the joys of having a relationship, among other m2m experiences.

It is true that discrimination based on looks can be found in both the heterosexual and homosexual worlds, but it is likewise very true that it is more pronounced on the m2m world. Men will always be men, in as much as women shall always be women. The fact that men operates primarily on visual cues is something that cannot be changed unless there is a change in their male psyche, which would rather make them males no longer.  

Hence, the m2m world is left with the challenge of going beyond the superficiality of physical-sexual attraction and be less discriminative of the aesthetically challenged.

How much willing are you to accept it?

The Sex Cement Effect: It's fate on Casual Sex

Disclaimer: This article is quite biased against casual sex but is not intended to condemn such or intended to elicit hostile reactions... peace. :-)

You might be wondering what this article is all about. Well, I just thought how many guys in the m2m world must have probably found themselves disappointed and unhappy over and over again when they engage in what is suppose to be just a casual sex and eventually find themselves emotionally attached and wrecked.

I have thought of this when a good friend of mine (who came out to me, but unknown to him we're alike..wink*wink* ) tells me about his devastation in his series of failed m2m relationships. I found out that what usually happens is that those relationships all initially started with casual sex. Then if they click, they try to elevate the random encounter into a relationship. However, it doesn't last because sooner he will either feel the other guy growing cold or find out the other guy is secretly seeing another one. Well, having met those guys from a gay dating site, with headless steamy pics on their profiles, it can be expected why (I am not trying to generalize, ok?). So apparently, physical attraction and sexual object preceded the getting-to-know stage and bonding stage and has become the foundation of the relationship. Shouldn't it be ideally the other way around? Shouldn't it be that two people should get to know each other first before entering into a relationship? Shouldn't it be that sex only follows as the ultimate sign of the blooming relationship?

I came to think of sex as a some sort of a relationship cement. The sexual act is suppose to cement and fortify a relationship rather than serve as the initiator, nurturer, developer of it . Sex is designed to ultimately bring out deeper emotions that binds lovers together in a bond that further strengthens the established relationship. Sex opens up emotional avenues that remain closed in platonic relationships. Sex allows deeper emotional attachment that promotes cohesion between lovers.

In casual sex, the integral emotional component of sex is removed. Sex becomes viewed to be just a plain activity to derive pleasures from. An exchange of body fluids. A means of release. A way to explore. Over time, sex loses it's special purpose and more often than not, it becomes a commonplace thing to do. The sex cement effect is lost. Hence, we see open relationships, multiple partners, polygamous behaviors, so on and so forth. End result? Short-lived, broken relationship.

If you intend to enter into a relationship that lasts, a relationship that is founded on friendship, true love and not just plain superficial sexual and physical attraction, don't put sex at the top of your relationship start-up checklist. Don't make sex as the initial test to see whether the two of you shall click.

In addition, don't fall prey to a guy that feeds on sex. Don't play in his playground. Unless you are "skilled" and "experienced" enough in the game of casual sex, you might just end up emotionally wrecked.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that sex is the most important aspect of a relationship. Definitely not. A good relationship is built on trust, acceptance, fidelity, open communication, and true love. However, sex is integral to a healthy relationship, particularly in the m2m set-up.

The bottom line?

Sex is a special human experience, and it plays a special role in romantic relationships. Make it ordinary, and you make your life less happy. Take advantage of the sex cement effect. Use it wisely and carefully, and you will enjoy a rewarding, happy romantic relationship!

Loneliness

If you are a truly discreet homosexual I am pretty sure that you would agree if I say that being one has its obvious pros and cons. 

Being discreet, you are spared from being labeled as "gay" by society and you get to enjoy a quiet, private life safe from all the negative connotations, prejudice, and discrimination associated with such label. However, sometimes being discreet also entails some degree or feelings of loneliness. You feel the need for someone, be it a friend or a lover, who can best understand your feelings, issues, and concerns in life. This is particularly true especially if you have a very limited circle of "similar" friends (if ever you have one) whom you can turn to for comfort and support. Yes, you have your regular "straight" friends but it's a different story, a different set up, a different scenario, and a different degree of emotional bond and "connection." Even if you have managed to gather enough strength to come out to them and even if they totally accept and embrace you for who and what you are, there really are times when you feel alone and empty. In Tagalog, "may kulanng.” There is that that vacuum inside that only a special person alone can fill.

Apparently, this is a universal experience among truly discreet homosexuals and bisexuals who are in the closet. Bouts of loneliness do come every now and then. The emotional need to have someone who understands and to relate with happens every once in a while. We find this need expressing in many forms like joining in internet gay dating sites in hopes of finding the right one, although the task can get especially daunting considering the sheer amount of screening and searching need to find the right person.  Sometimes this loneliness gets channeled into casual sex and “one-night stands.” Others resort to keeping themselves busy with many things to divert the emotion. There can be no other worse feelings like loneliness. It’s frustrating, and it sucks! However, life is like a wheel. If today brings you sadness, there's always hope for happy tomorrow.

If you are feeling lonely right now, don’t despair. You are not alone. Cheer up! Sooner or later someone will come to drive that loneliness away. There’s always one for everybody. Just hang in there, he’s on his way! J

Why do most M2M relationships only last very short?

As I reflected on my personal experiences and a conversation with a good friend, I came to ask why M2M relationships do not last long. My friend maintained that although most of his past relationships were with good sensible guys, still, why did they not last? The longest he had was 6 months while the shortest did not even reached a month! He has always wanted a lifetime relationship with someone he really cares about. Someone that he truly loves.

With my little mind, I came up with the following probable theories that would perhaps explain why. But remember, I might be wrong and for every rule, there is always an exception.

1. Commitment Phobia. Occupying the top of my list and (I think) the most important of all in the crucial maintenance of a relationship is commitment. I have observed that majority of men are afraid to commit into a relationship or maintain it. Like in heterosexual relationships, as much as possible, males want freedom. No strings attached. Since a relationship requires commitment, be it in time, effort, or resources, it restrains them to do things which they can freely do if they had not enter into the relationship.

A friend once said that love and attraction is not enough to keep a relationship intact. It is the commitment that binds the relationship together even in the most trying times. Since men are generally afraid of commitment, it generally follows that a relationship composed of two men will, most likely than not, have a short “life span.”

2. Visual-Sexual Factor: Men are primarily visually and sexually motivated. For this reason, a guy’s casual acquaintance with another good looking, attractive, sexy guy might lead to the ruins of his existing relationship to pursue the new person of his desire and affection.

3. Discontentment and Dissatisfaction. Intimately related to #2 is the level of contentment and satisfaction that a couple have for each other and for the relationship. Discontentment and dissatisfaction stem from several possible causes, some of which are quite superficial:
    a.) Unmet physical appearance preferences
    b.) High personal standards and ideals
    c.) Sexual incompatibilities
    d.) Personality and character incompatibilities
    e.) Difference in sets of values and personal beliefs and principles
    f.)  Others... ;-)

4. Existing relationships. "You cannot serve two masters. Either you serve the other and despise the other." This also applies to relationships.  If either one of the couple has an existing relationship (boy or girl), problems arise. Problems may occur sooner or later in the relationship.

3. Lack of Social Support: Heterosexual relationships last even amidst problems and serious misunderstanding due to the amount of social support and pressure that encourage the couple to stay together. Friends and families along with colleagues and co-workers provide an excellent source of social support (and pressure) that edifies the relationships. Making friends and or families aware of the relationship gives them the opportunity to give words of counsels and encouragement beneficial to maintain the relationship.

Needless to say, social support of a relationship fosters commitment. In the Philippine setting, however, since male-to-male relationship is a taboo and is not sanctioned by the society, there is very little or even absent support that male couples receive making the relationship prone to problems and break ups. If this applies openly gay couple, how much worse can the situation be for DY couples whose relationship oftentimes are known only to themselves and perhaps a very limited number of meticulously selected trusted friends!

My conclusion? If you intend to enter into a relationship that lasts, find a highly committed person who does not easily flirt around. Be content of your partner for what and who he is and be satisfied of the relationship. Once the relationship is established, get as much social support as you can by telling as much people about it as you deem appropriate and necessary. Wise discretion is the key. These people may include open-minded and supportive friends, family members, colleagues, etc.. Doing all these does not guarantee longevity of the relationship but will hopefully fortify it and make it last.