The INTERNET: a virtual home to the “homeless”

When we think of home, we think of a place where there are people living together and where love and gentle affections abound. Although these people think and behave differently, possess different attitudes and personalities, and varies in preferences, likes and dislikes, yet they are a family.  They share common goals and ideals, support each other, understand each other, and accept each other’s uniqueness despite their differences.  In the context of an ideal home, family members find unconditional acceptance. It is a haven of joy, a nurturing environment, a place where needs are met, and a fortress that cushions the blows of life’s problems and adversities, shielding the family member from the pains of daily living and life in general.

To a highly discreet DY, where is home?

Life can really be difficult to a discreet (or truly closeted) homosexual/bisexual. He often finds himself alone especially when problems and issues related to his sexuality arise. He seeks the company of someone who understands. He longs for assuring words that would comfort him in his times of uncertainties.  He gropes for another human being to at least listen to his cares and worries, understand his fears and aspirations, and affirm his personal convictions. He longs for emotional connection and support, release of long pent up emotions, and enlightenment for the enigma of his emotional turmoil and stormy life experiences.  Yet, the pressure of society, its expectations, its standards and norms, all work in concert to add to his burden and further pushes him into a state of emotional solitude. Given the definitions of a home, he finds himself homeless!

Sad and alone, he looks for ways to meet this dire need of belongingness and acceptance, which society has unduly kept from him. For fear of rejection, contempt, judgment, and humiliation, he resolves to stay incognito as much as he can but it only proves to worsen his loneliness and pulls him down into depression. So he gets up and looks around for a remedy and finds the solution to his problem.

He enters the world of the world-wide-web and discovers himself in a virtual place where he can get in touch with his true self without fear of rejection yet still be anonymous. Honest, worthwhile conversations which he cannot have in the real world, he finds online. He finds answers to his questions. He enters the realm of social sites and finds himself not alone. There are people out there who, just like him, are seeking for belongingness, acceptance, self-expression, love, emotional support, enlightenment, and words of comfort, and are longing for hearts that understand.  He finds freedom to be himself.  He finds friendship, establishes relationships, and forms lasting bonds with people he gets in contact with. He is starting to live his life.

As he looks back, he cannot help but paint a smile on his face with a grateful heart amazed at how this virtual world has somehow positively influenced his life.  He acknowledges that it has its boons and banes but believes that if used judiciously, this virtual world has the power to transform lives for the better.  His heart is but filled with joy that finally, he has found a place that feels like home.

Why do most M2M relationships only last very short?

As I reflected on my personal experiences and a conversation with a good friend, I came to ask why M2M relationships do not last long. My friend maintained that although most of his past relationships were with good sensible guys, still, why did they not last? The longest he had was 6 months while the shortest did not even reached a month! He has always wanted a lifetime relationship with someone he really cares about. Someone that he truly loves.

With my little mind, I came up with the following probable theories that would perhaps explain why. But remember, I might be wrong and for every rule, there is always an exception.

1. Commitment Phobia. Occupying the top of my list and (I think) the most important of all in the crucial maintenance of a relationship is commitment. I have observed that majority of men are afraid to commit into a relationship or maintain it. Like in heterosexual relationships, as much as possible, males want freedom. No strings attached. Since a relationship requires commitment, be it in time, effort, or resources, it restrains them to do things which they can freely do if they had not enter into the relationship.

A friend once said that love and attraction is not enough to keep a relationship intact. It is the commitment that binds the relationship together even in the most trying times. Since men are generally afraid of commitment, it generally follows that a relationship composed of two men will, most likely than not, have a short “life span.”

2. Visual-Sexual Factor: Men are primarily visually and sexually motivated. For this reason, a guy’s casual acquaintance with another good looking, attractive, sexy guy might lead to the ruins of his existing relationship to pursue the new person of his desire and affection.

3. Discontentment and Dissatisfaction. Intimately related to #2 is the level of contentment and satisfaction that a couple have for each other and for the relationship. Discontentment and dissatisfaction stem from several possible causes, some of which are quite superficial:
    a.) Unmet physical appearance preferences
    b.) High personal standards and ideals
    c.) Sexual incompatibilities
    d.) Personality and character incompatibilities
    e.) Difference in sets of values and personal beliefs and principles
    f.)  Others... ;-)

4. Existing relationships. "You cannot serve two masters. Either you serve the other and despise the other." This also applies to relationships.  If either one of the couple has an existing relationship (boy or girl), problems arise. Problems may occur sooner or later in the relationship.

3. Lack of Social Support: Heterosexual relationships last even amidst problems and serious misunderstanding due to the amount of social support and pressure that encourage the couple to stay together. Friends and families along with colleagues and co-workers provide an excellent source of social support (and pressure) that edifies the relationships. Making friends and or families aware of the relationship gives them the opportunity to give words of counsels and encouragement beneficial to maintain the relationship.

Needless to say, social support of a relationship fosters commitment. In the Philippine setting, however, since male-to-male relationship is a taboo and is not sanctioned by the society, there is very little or even absent support that male couples receive making the relationship prone to problems and break ups. If this applies openly gay couple, how much worse can the situation be for DY couples whose relationship oftentimes are known only to themselves and perhaps a very limited number of meticulously selected trusted friends!

My conclusion? If you intend to enter into a relationship that lasts, find a highly committed person who does not easily flirt around. Be content of your partner for what and who he is and be satisfied of the relationship. Once the relationship is established, get as much social support as you can by telling as much people about it as you deem appropriate and necessary. Wise discretion is the key. These people may include open-minded and supportive friends, family members, colleagues, etc.. Doing all these does not guarantee longevity of the relationship but will hopefully fortify it and make it last.